One of those moments...

By Hammad Anwar (In collaboration with Misha Khan)
Follow @manihammad

It was one of those moments...

At times when you want something really earnestly in your life, you start thinking and evaluating and re-evaluating about that moment. You can't stop the thought process of how it's supposed to be, when it will take place, where you will be at that time, who will tell you and most importantly, how will you react to it? But in that very moment, everything you have thought of falls apart, shatter and the broken fragments are on the ground. It can be an even better memory or worse but yeah it happens.

It was one of those moments...

I have been there once before. At that point I knew it was coming so I pleaded, requested, tried to bargain with and eventually begged God. And then... everything ended. It was all over under a one minute. I have to be honest, deep down somewhere, I knew that I may be I didn't deserve it. Not yet. I didn't blame anyone or looked for reasons. I decided to move on and I did.

Two years later, now life is going on it`s regular pace and once again, quite suddenly,  I was in the same dilemma as the very same moment was about to come again. I had dreamed about it again and again. I tried to foresee how it would be this time, where will I get the news and how will my loved ones react. I had hundreds of scenarios and reactions of everyone covering all possibilities and outcomes.

And then the moment came...

It came from the most unexpected person, at the most unexpected time and place and of course with the most extraordinary news. I stared in space for few minutes as I had for the first times experienced numbness. I clinched my hands tight and tried to place them somewhere to keep me steady to support myself. I stared straight in the space thinking about the reaction I was going to get. I got up with my mind set and tried to pack my bag and it was in that moment when I realized that my hands were shivering and I was holding on to things very well. Somehow, I managed that and then tried to call my driver but now even my voice failed me. I forced myself to get in my car and it was after I had headed out when I started making calls. My voice was expressionless. My emotions shut down. My feelings a locked away cellar. After my first few sentences which I used to deliver the news, the person on the listening end went beyond their selves in amazement and astonishment. And couldn't help but as,'what the hell was wrong with me and why wasn't I shouting?'

It was a small step. But the first step in the right direction. Recovery. I don't know what lies ahead but I promised to keep my feet on the ground and continue doing what I have been or may be, perhaps possibly, work a bit harder. But one thing is for sure that I won't be able to forget it. Not today. Not ever. I have been given more than what I deserved perhaps. I'm just want to be grateful in this life and after..

It was one of those moments...